Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Joshua, Part Three

Part 1 Here
Part 2 Here

The end of that last post was pretty dramatic, I realize.  But I don't think I can ever express what I was feeling that day.

Mainly shock.

I will never forget walking around Tyson's Corner Mall late that afternoon.  Joshua and I were meeting my dear friend Hope, who had come from California to spend the week with us, for dinner.  I've been coming back to this paragraph for days trying to put words to how I felt. I'm sure many people can relate to this after receiving different types of life-changing diagnoses.  An out of body experience?  Floating? Disconnected from my body? Definitely numb in a way I had never felt before.

When we got back to the hotel that night I ran into our friend Nick in the parking lot.  He and his family happened to be staying in the same hotel suites as us, another gift from the Lord, and they had been providing great support.  As we were exchanging pleasantries, he was expressing some frustrations in his day.  And do you know what I said?  What my big, black, ugly heart said?

"Well, at least your son wasn't diagnosed with autism today!"

It should be noted I didn't say it in the nicest tone either.

Oh my word.  That's something else I'll never forget.  Thankfully, Nick had so much grace for me.  And I've apologized many times since then.  (But I'm still so sorry Nick!)

I had a hard time talking about the diagnosis, even then.  Poor Joe was back in Morocco desperate for information.  So we struggled to communicate; I couldn't remember details, didn't have any desire to share them anyway.  We knew it would be a hard trip for me to do alone, but not knowing what the month held, couldn't realize how difficult it would be.

Moving forward, we had already decided to have a second assessment done at the recommendation of a local friend in the medical field.  She pointed us towards an EXCELLENT group of developmental specialists right around the corner from our house in Reston.  I don't think we believed they would tell us anything hugely different from the first psychologist, but I was not a huge fan of her, and from what I knew of Family Compass, I would feel more comfortable working with them for the long haul.  That same friend, Nicole, made a personal call to the head of the group and got us in within a couple of days.  Amazing. Then, she accompanied me to the appointment to help me ask questions and take notes.  I needed A LOT of hand holding in my shock, especially without Joe.  And then, to really serve me, she called both Joe and my Mom and gave them a complete rundown.  So, so helpful for us all.

It was around this time that I got a reality check from God.  My main goal for all of my children is that they know the joy of the Lord.  Because really, if they have that, no matter what their circumstances, they will be at peace.  Now I'm not one to literally "hear God's voice" very often, if ever, but one day when I was wallowing in self-pity, this wisdom was spoken to my heart:

"I know what you dream for your child, but you don't get to choose how he gets there."

Well, dang. Isn't that the truth?

It was really a kindness from God.  Because once I accepted that, I felt like I had a new perspective.

One of my favorite pictures of Joshua.
See you tomorrow...

1 comment:

  1. He is absolutely adorable. I so appreciate they honesty you are sharing in these entries. Know that you are loved and appreciated.